Commitment
by sentient1212
Summary: Jack tries to move on, but first must come to terms with his fears.
1. Default Chapter

Commitment

Chapter 1

Although they'd scheduled the wedding for five months in the future, when Jack would be fully recovered from the injuries inflicted on him by Andrei Drazen's sons, some of the preparations went in fits and starts. The attack by The Man in the Hat had occurred three months earlier and Barbara had recovered from the shock of the attempt on her life, so she was able to devote her full attention to planning the ceremony and reception.

She found a dress right away, but she couldn't get Jack to help choose a restaurant for the party. After she narrowed the possibilities down to three, all of which Jack had been to, he still wouldn't make a choice. When he finally gave his preference that place was no longer available on the day the minister was. Jack's second choice was made so late that they practically had no time to send out the invitations. Barbara gave up on Jack's participation; she was so annoyed, she told herself she'd be happy if he just showed up. She chose the flowers alone, and while she brought Jack a brochure with proposed menus for the reception he dragged his feet so long that she made the selections herself. The next hurdle was getting Jack to buy a new suit. He grumbled about it so much that she lost patience. She was overwhelmed by the feeling that Jack didn't really want to get married. That was the only reason she could think of that would explain his foot-dragging.

One day she said she'd had it. She told Jack that she wanted to call the wedding off. He looked at her in shock, his color fading. He saw tears in her eyes as he cupped her face in his hands. "No, Baby," he said, the enormity of what she said hitting him in the solar plexus, along with the reality of his behavior. "I want to marry you more than anything in the world. I don't know why I've been giving you such a hard time. I don't understand it. But I promise you it'll stop. I'll do whatever you say."

"It's not a matter of doing what I say, Jack," she said, the tears starting to flow. "I thought we'd do this together, plan it together, so it's meaningful for both of us. But not only don't you want to participate in the preparations, I get the feeling that you don't want us, Jack. Not as a couple. Not permanently. And the last thing I want is for you to feel trapped. So if you want to call it off, Jack, tell me now. Please."

The thought of giving Barbara up made him physically ill. She meant the world to him and he was driving her away. What the hell is the matter with me? he asked himself. I love her. She's perfect for me. So why am I resisting this marriage?

"I don't want to call it off, Barb. That's the last thing I want. I love you. I want to be your husband, more than I want anything. I know I've been uncooperative and I don't know why. It's not because I don't want to get married, I swear it. I see the pain I'm causing you, and that's going to stop. We'll plan the rest of this together, every step of the way. We'll see what still has to be done and we'll start doing it. Right away. Now." He kissed her on the lips, gently at first, and then as he took her tightly in his arms their kiss became more passionate, more insistent. Jack knew he could never bear to lose her. And that meant marriage.

Barbara wasn't entirely placated, but they sat together and discussed what still needed to be done. It was only mid-afternoon, so when the list was finished they had plenty of time to drive to a men's clothing store where Jack was fitted with a suit they both liked. He looks terrific, Barbara thought, and told him so. Then she said, "That wasn't fatal now, was it? You still here with me?"

Jack laughed. "I'm here, Baby," he responded. "That wasn't so bad. I don't why I thought it would be an ordeal."

"While we're here, Jack, and you're in a cooperative mood, why don't you get whatever other clothes you need? You said you need more suits since you've moved up the ladder at CTU into a corner office. And tennis clothes, a raincoat, shoes, slacks, shirts, sport coats, ties, everything. Are you game for it now, Jack? Or do you want to come back another time?"

The thought of having to repeat this painful process didn't appeal to Barbara, so she hoped he would be willing to keep shopping. He read her mood and decided it was time to stop acting like a baby and finish selecting his wardrobe. She was right about all the things he needed; he was now a CTU "suit," one of the bureaucrats who told others what to do while doing nothing to get their own hands dirty, and he had to dress the part. While the rest of the work world was slipping into 'Casual Friday' garb with khakis and loafers without socks, the brass at CTU, who had always seemed tightly wound now only appeared more so. The field ops agents were still permitted to dress casually, which was reasonable in light of the work they did. They could be and frequently were called out into the field without warning, so it made sense for them to dress appropriately for their work. The 'suits,' on the other hand, sat in their offices, or those of other people, having meetings, conferences, discussions, planning sessions, all sorts of synonyms for sitting around and doing nothing, according to the agents. Jack had had more problems with those people than anyone; he felt that they only made decisions when they couldn't delay them any longer, and then only to cover their own as, and that made things all the more hoary for the people who actually went out and risked their lives.

As Barbara had predicted Jack survived the shopping trip, even volunteering that he needed clothes for their honeymoon, so he bought khakis and golf shirts as well as swimming trunks, shorts and a pair of Tevas. At the end of the excursion, laden with packages, they piled everything into the trunk and went for pizza at a store nearby.

As they waited for their food Barbara looked at Jack closely. She knew Jack had agreed to go shopping only to please her, and she still didn't understand what was happening. She sensed that Jack was still hesitant about getting married. Despite his apparent change of mind before their trip to the clothing store she was still troubled by his earlier behavior. It seemed that from the moment they'd agreed to marry Jack had acted as though he felt he'd made a terrible mistake and was desperate to find a way out without hurting her.

Jack, in turn, was troubled by what he saw in Barbara's big black eyes. There's sadness there, he thought. And I'm the cause. "Barb," he said, taking her hand, "I want to marry you, as soon as possible. I know you think I don't, but you're wrong."

"I hope so. I love you, Jack," she said softly, the slightest tremulousness in her voice. I don't know what I'll do if he leaves me, she thought. I love him so much!

When they finished their pizza they walked to the car without a word. Neither of them spoke on the drive home.

Barbara got into bed early with every intention of reading until she felt sleepy. She was tired, she knew, but it was a tiredness of spirit. Where did everything go wrong? she wondered to herself. I love him, and I know he loves me. Why is it all so horribly, horribly wrong? Sleep did not come.

Jack brought a bottle of beer into the den where he absentmindedly flipped on the Dodgers game. That they were playing the Cubs didn't even register. Normally Jack took every opportunity to tease Tony about his hapless team, but that was the last thing on Jack's mind. He knew that Barbara was in the bedroom. He'd seen the pain in her eyes. He wanted to go to her, to tell her everything was fine, that they'd work things out, but he just couldn't. He didn't know what to say because he didn't know what was wrong. He stared at the TV without seeing it. The cheering that was accompanying the shut-out didn't even penetrate his preoccupation.

It was after two when Jack awoke in the recliner. He turned off the TV and the lights before he headed to the bedroom.

The light on Barbara's nighttable was still on and the book was face-down on her lap. At first Jack thought she had fallen asleep, but he saw her look at him as he reached to turn off the light. There were tear stains on her cheeks and on the sheet. She'd been crying for quite awhile.

He took her in his arms as he got into bed and held her tightly to him. For the first time Barbara wasn't responsive to his desire. She'd always wanted him as much as he wanted her, but everything seemed to have changed. He tried to wipe the tears from her eyes but she pulled away and started to cry again. He pulled her back to him, and this time she buried her face in his chest while her shoulders heaved with sobs. Jack felt his heart pound. He was on the verge of losing her, and he couldn't bear it.


	2. Commitment Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Jack had wondered what was wrong when he hesitated for so long before acknowledging that he wanted to make this commitment to Barbara. He had made excuse after excuse to himself, justifying his reluctance to declare his love for her and asking her to make their relationship permanent by telling himself it was for her safety. He had told himself it was to protect her from his enemies still out there who would willingly and happily kill all those he loved. The attack by The Man in the Hat had seemed to justify his reluctance, but Barbara had said she was willing to take the risk as the result of being with him, and Jack believed her. He knew that the possibility that someone else might try to hurt him through her would always exist even if they just lived together, and he loved her too much to give her up. He acknowledged that the threat was remote; he genuinely believed that almost all of the people who might come after him already had, although he knew that the operative word was 'almost.' His seeming reluctance to marry her because he was afraid for her safety wasn't a legitimate concern any longer, he finally admitted to himself, despite the efforts of the Drazens and Ibraham Azar. That was no longer the issue, although he'd tried to convince himself that it was. Total security wasn't possible, and never would be, and Barbara accepted that. No, the problem was his inability to permanently, emotionally commit himself to her.

As she lay crying in his arms Jack kissed the top of her head and tried to analyze his feelings. He still felt Teri's death very deeply, and he knew he always would, but he had made up his mind to move on, so that wasn't the cause of his hesitation. Kate and he were over, he acknowledged, she had happily married someone else and Jack was genuinely glad for her. He had never truly loved Claudia, theirs had been a mutual need, but it had never been deeper than that. And his love for Suzie was safely tucked away in a corner of his mind, not an impediment to making Barbara his wife. So why was he so reluctant to commit to her?

He had thought that this issue was resolved. He didn't understand why he was still hesitating, as was readily evident from his failure to participate in the preparations. He had believed that he had come to grips with the fears that had held him back, but he realized that he really hadn't. The problem was that he didn't know what he was still afraid of.

Jack didn't feel threatened by Barbara's professional success; he had benefitted from her talents and determination, and he was proud of her, so that wasn't the problem. He'd always been attracted to strong women with minds of their own, and that described Barbara. Her independence made him feel good, for he could never love someone who wasn't strong enough to stand on her own. Although Teri had acknowledged that she needed him in her life when she'd told Jack he could move back in it wasn't because of weakness. It was because she realized how much she missed him and that being together was more important to her than their problems. It had to be something else, he knew. He just couldn't understand what it was.

Barbara was in a relationship when they'd met, which she'd ended when she was working to exonerate Jack. She'd told the man that she had to concentrate on getting Jack out of prison, but she later acknowledged to herself that her decision to break it off was because of her growing attraction to Jack. She'd kept it hidden even from herself until she proved that he wasn't guilty of the charges against him, for she had needed to maintain her objectivity. They started seeing each other shortly after his release, and she acknowledged to herself that she loved him deeply. It was months before he declared his love for her, and she didn't tell him of her feelings until after he'd told her his. She didn't want to pressure him, she told herself, but deep down she recognized that she was afraid he'd reject her. She knew of all the hurts and losses he'd suffered, or at least she thought she did, and she understood, rightly, that he was afraid of losing someone else. But eventually he'd overcome that fear, or he so believed, and they had raised their relationship to a new level, declaring their love for each other and their desire for a permanent life together. Jack was endangering that life, and he was tearing himself apart.

As he lay there in the dark with Barbara in his arms Jack continued his introspection. The thought occurred to him that perhaps Barbara didn't truly understand how flawed he was. The idea clicked in his mind. It felt like he was onto something. Would she decide that he wasn't worthy, and leave?

Jack realized that the thought of Barbara walking away from their relationship terrified him. He was afraid that she would find him lacking and decide that she was better off on her own. But why would he think that? She knew him, all of his strengths and weaknesses, and still she loved him. He was sure of that. Or was he? For the first time in his life he was afraid of being rejected by someone he loved.

When Teri had told him to leave after the debacle of Nightfall it wasn't because she didn't love him, didn't want him. It was because he had completely shut her out, had fallen into an emotional abyss that he wouldn't let her try to help him climb out of. He had caused her tremendous pain when he withdrew from her, but still she'd asked him to come back. She was determined to help him, whether he wanted help or not.

But with Barbara it somehow felt different. He now knew how flawed he was, but she didn't know the extent to which he felt lacking. He was afraid that when she learned it she wouldn't be able to stand to be with him, that she would decide that he wasn't worth it, and leave. She had made a good life for herself, with professional success and a healthy social life. And they didn't have a child to bind them together.

"Barb," he said quietly, and turned so that he could see her face. She looked up at him, and saw something different in his blue eyes. It was the look of recognition, of admission of his feelings. "I know what the problem is. Was," he corrected himself. "It won't be a problem any more."

"What is it, Jack?" she asked softly. "Why don't you want to marry me?"

"I do want to marry you. But I'm afraid that you'll leave me, Baby. I'm afraid that you'll decide I'm not good enough for you."

Barbara pulled away and turned to lean on an elbow as she looked at him next to her on the bed. "I don't understand. I'll never leave you, Jack. I love you."

With maturity had come the ability for self-examination. Jack finally understood himself, or at least he was beginning to. So he told her of his thoughts, hesitantly at first, and then with more certainty.

"I know you do, Baby. But I'm afraid that you don't know enough about me, the kind of man I am. I'm afraid you won't be able to stand my moods, that I may pull away from you, shut you out the way I did with Teri. I know that hurt my relationship with her, hurt her very much. I'm afraid that you'll decide that you don't want to put up with me, and you'll walk away."

"Oh, Jack," she said, tears coursing down her cheeks again. "I thought it might be what happened to you before, but it never occurred to me that you thought I might want to leave you. I know your relationships have caused you pain. But why don't you believe me? I love you more than anything. I'll never leave."

Jack had had nothing but time to think when he was in prison, after Barbara had agreed to represent him and restored his belief that he deserved to live, and he'd allowed himself to believe that he might someday be released. With time he finally come to accept the reason why he had chosen to become dependent on heroin. It was comfortable, reassuring, to blame his addiction on his need to develop a cover with the Salazars, as he had explained to Chappelle and Placecki so long ago. He now accepted the falsity of that excuse. His addiction had actually interfered with the Salazars' trust in him, for they thought of all junkies as weak. He conceded that they were right. No, he finally admitted to himself, I started using to forget the pain, the awfulness of everything that happened because of my work at CTU, and my trouble at home. He now acknowledged that the problems he and Teri had had were not only the result of his life as an agent. He hadn't then been strong enough to confront his weaknesses as a man, and Teri had been the victim. He regretted that more than anything.

When he began to reflect about himself in prison he'd felt that Victor Drazen was right. I really am a monster, he'd thought. God knows I acted that way. The heroin had made him forget the feeling that he had lost all semblance of humanity. Learning about himself had helped him regain his will to live. Otherwise, he was sure, he would have killed himself. Even in prison he'd have found a way.

He still worried that when Barbara learned of all he'd done she would find him so flawed that she'd leave. In order to keep her in his life he had to open up. His fear would continue unless he told her everything. As painful as it was, he knew he had to do it. The fear became so overwhelming that he could no longer control it.

That night, Jack broke down. He cried uncontrollably as the words poured out. He told her about things she hadn't known, explaining the details of the horrors in his life, the things that he felt made him unworthy of her. He told her of losing his first love, his troubled marriage with Teri that he now acknowledged wasn't caused by CTU, how he had betrayed her with Nina, his reconciliation with Teri, her unexpected pregnancy, her murder, the loss of the child she'd been carrying that they thought represented their chance for a new life together, how Nina had murdered Teri, how he killed Drazen when there'd been no need, shooting Chappelle, killing Nina, again when she posed no immediate threat, chopping off Chase's hand. He told her that he had been prepared to put Jane Saunders inside the contaminated hotel. He told her about all the people he had killed, and of the other people whose deaths had followed him. Dead people whose names he did not even know. He told her how he felt about himself, that he was unworthy of her love, and unworthy of happiness, unworthy even to live. Everything he'd kept bottled up in his life he told her, sobbing so hard that he was shaking. Although she hadn't known many of the details he revealed to her she wasn't repulsed by what he said. She held him and spoke to him in a quiet voice, telling him she understood, that she loved him, that she would always love him, that nothing he could do or say would ever scare her away. Like a small boy, he cried himself to sleep in her arms.

When he awoke the next morning he saw Barbara lying beside him, watching him. She'd stayed in bed after she awoke because she knew it was important that he see her first thing, so that he'd know that she would always be there, no matter what. He saw the look on her face and he relaxed, for what felt like the first time in his life. He saw on her face that no matter how evil, how monstrous he thought he was, she still loved him. She again spoke quietly, telling him that he was neither evil nor a monster. She told him that what he'd done had been for the good of millions, who would never know all of the things for which they owed him their lives, and that he had paid a terrible price for his selflessness. She told him that the evil that he'd done had been to himself. She told him that he was the finest person she'd ever known. What she told him brought him back to life.

He'd slept some more, and when he awoke again he felt stronger. He had thought the tears would never stop, and maybe there were more to come, but he could face her now, and with her, face the future. Then he'd told her how much he loved her, and she told him she loved him, too, and she felt confident in his desire to marry her.

That night had proved to be a catharsis for Jack. His relief at her reaction was palpable. Her acceptance meant everything to him. It helped give him the strength to let go of his past, and to start to forgive himself. He knew that he'd always bear the scars, the emotional ones even worse than the physical, but he was healing now. He could begin. He could marry Barbara with a clear head, and a clear heart. It was time to concentrate on her. His wife-to-be.


	3. Commitment Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Jack started to believe that Barbara really knew him. He knew she'd only succeeded because of determination, born of need. He realized that Barbara could survive anything when she put her mind to it. He took her assurances to heart, and acknowledged to himself for the first time that when she committed to marriage, to a life with him, for better or for worse, she meant it.

Jack knew that Barbara hadn't had it easy. She had watched her mother struggle throughout her childhood in San Francisco. Her father had died of a heart attack when Barbara was six, and her mother had gone to work as a legal secretary. While they had a nice apartment and there was always enough food, her mother worked very hard for it. When she was in high school Barbara had worked at the public library four days a week, from after school until 10 at night. It had left very little time for school work, but she'd still managed to get straight A's. She had gotten a full scholarship to Stanford, where she worked in the college cafeteria and again excelled in school, but her mother passed away when she was in her second year there. She stayed with her mother's aunt on school vacations after that. Despite her work load, both academic and physical, she graduated with honors.

After her mother's death Barbara realized that she had no remaining ties to California, so she decided to go to law school in a different region. She was awarded a scholarship to Georgetown, where she worked in the college bookstore. Again she graduated at the top of her class. Her next goal was to find a good job.

She had always wanted to go to New York/ She was eager to see what she could do in a courtroom, so she accepted a job as an Assistant District Attorney in New York, one of the most prestigious offices in the country. She started low on the totem pole, as did all new Assistants, doing mostly paper work, but her talents were quickly recognized. She was soon doing trials herself and she quickly moved up the food chain, working her way up to prosecuting homicides a full five years sooner than most Assistants.

She loved her job, but she was again ready to use her talents in new ways. And she was ready to see what she could do in a courtroom with other types of cases.

Her need to live in the busiest city in the world was satisfied, and she moved back to California to join a law firm in Los Angeles. She began handling a much greater variety of cases, not just criminal trials but civil cases as well, not just the government prosecuting alleged perpetrators. She found that she loved it, with cases running the gamut from antitrust, which she found spectacularly boring, to unusual cases which she relished, such as whether a cow was fertile enough for embryo transplantation. Author's note: I really had a case like that! She still did some criminal cases, more than she liked in fact, so she decided it was time to try things on her own.

She'd developed quite a reputation by that time so she was never lacking for work. Her hardest case was her attempt to free Jack from prison, which required that she prove him innocent of the charges. Usually the government has to prove that someone is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt; in Jack's case, because he'd already been convicted and she was trying to get the conviction reversed, she had to prove the opposite: that he hadn't committed murder.

By the time her efforts proved successful Jack had started to deal with his feelings of guilt, not just for Teri's death, but for all of the terrible things in his past. He acknowledged that he'd had to do those things to accomplish his missions both for CTU and the Army, especially Nightfall, and he overcame his heroin addiction He began to believe that he deserved to live, even that he deserved happiness. He admitted his attraction to Barbara when he was released from prison, and they soon started to date. Their mutual attraction turned to love, and their eventual commitment to make their relationship permanent.

Jack knew that her past had made Barbara strong and independent, because for all of her adult life she'd had to stand on her own. But that doesn't make her emotionally independent, he realized with a start. Her strength won't mean that she'll walk out on me; it means she'll be there, no matter what, no matter what troubles we might face. We'll face them together.

After Jack had explained this to her, telling her what he had feared, and how he now knew that he had been wrong, he felt an overwhelming relief. He felt confident saying that he had no compunctions about their marriage; no way did he want to cancel their wedding. He meant every word when he said, "There are no problems, Baby. I want you, I want to be married to you. I want us to be together for the rest of her lives."

As she looked into his blue eyes Barbara saw that this was true. There was no longer any hesitation there, no reluctance. She felt herself relax for the first time since they'd decided to marry.


	4. Commitment Chapter 4

Chapter 4

They were surrounded by their families and closest friends as they repeated the vows said by the minister, but they only looked at each other. They might as well have been the only ones in the room. They were oblivious to the others present.

Their kiss lasted longer than was customary between a bride and groom after they were pronounced husband and wife. All they cared about was that they were finally married, had finally made the ultimate promise to themselves and to each other that this was their future, that they were bound together until death do us part.

The guests around them applauded their approval as they finally released each other. Kim and Chase, Jack's sister Carol and her husband Mitch, Jack's new in-laws Barbara's brother David and his wife Lesley, and their closest friends, Michelle and Tony among them, were all grinning and hooting, happy for the couple, but also relieved that Jack had come to grips with his past. They all knew what he had been through, and these people, who loved him, were glad that whatever Jack would face he would face with Barbara. They would draw strength from each other, for with her he was ready to meet whatever might challenge him in the future. That was what marriage meant to Jack. That was what had caused him to finally erase all doubts from his mind.

Barbara was radiant in an off-white peplum suit, fitted to show off her fabulous figure. She carried a bouquet of red roses that were echoed by centerpieces on the tables, which were brightly lit by the afternoon sunshine. The tables were set with formal china and silver, for even though Barbara had said she didn't need a fancy wedding Jack thought they should have one. He and Teri hadn't had any money when they'd gotten married, and Jack always wondered whether Teri regretted that their wedding was so spare. Just a priest and Teri's parents and Jack's mom were there, along with Teri's roommates and the fraternity brothers Jack shared an apartment with. The dinner after the church service had been at a VFW hall, not a very fancy place, Jack had thought, but Teri seemed happy. Still, Jack had wanted a more elaborate wedding this time. Circumstances had changed since his marriage to Teri, and he was determined that Barbara should have the best.

She always wore her black hair down, but today it was done in a french twist, which Jack liked because it exposed the slender neck that he so loved to kiss. High heels the same color as her suit only boosted Barbara to five feet three inches, still much shorter than Jack, and he liked the way her face felt as she nuzzled against his neck when they danced. They had joked when it was time to choose the song for their first dance, Barbara proposing "Send In The Clowns," while Jack suggested the old Beatles song, "Why Don't We Do It In The Road." When Barbara countered with "Do That To Me One More Time" Jack came back with "I Want To Make It With You." After the pain in their sides made them finally stop laughing they decided to leave the choice up to the band leader. Neither of them even noticed what song it was when Jack led her around the dance floor. They just held each other tightly, never wanting the moment to end.

Dancing with Barbara made Jack feel even more protective. He never wanted to let her go for he still only felt really confident when he was holding her, but he realized that such closeness wasn't possible, and probably wasn't even desirable. Being together 24 hours a day would drive them both crazy. They both had their work, and that meant time apart, but it was healthy for their relationship, they both knew. Being different people was at least part of why they worked so well. It was why they were so attracted to each other, and it was healthy. It was one of the reasons why their marriage would last. They wouldn't become a statistic in the divorce courts.

Jack was wearing his new dark blue suit with muted pinstripes, together with a white shirt and a blue paisley tie with a matching foulard in his breast pocket. Their shopping trip had been successful. It's strange how women always manage to pick out their own wardrobes and look fabulous, while we men seem helpless unless our wives or girlfriends are with us to help us select our clothes, Jack had mused in the store. He hadn't bought anything new since he and Kate had parted. She, too, had helped him pick out his clothing, anything fancier than jeans or t-shirts. I wonder why that is, he thought. But it certainly wasn't worth dwelling on. All that mattered was that Barbara was pleased with the way he looked, and it didn't hurt that he liked it, too. It made him feel worthy of standing with the beautiful woman who was now his wife.

"Sweetheart, have I said I love you?" Jack whispered to her as they walked over to their guests. "No, you haven't, at least not in the last minute," she smiled. He drew her near to him again, and as he hugged her he said, "I love you. I'd say it constantly, but then we'd never sleep. So I'll have to content myself with saying it only when we're awake."

Barbara smiled again, and linked her fingers through her husband's. That sounds wonderful, she thought. My husband.

Everyone was grinning at them. "Can't keep your hands off each other?" Dave teased. "Not even for a minute? This should be a very interesting reception."

They were beyond blushing, so they just smiled. David and Lesley had been just as devoted at their own wedding three years before. Lesley was now pregnant with Barbara's first niece or nephew, and she was radiant although somewhat uncomfortable as she was entering her ninth month. Barbara hoped to be in the same condition soon, but she and Jack were both old-fashioned, and they wanted to wait to make a baby, as Jack called it, until they were married. I hope we can start soon, she thought. They were both eager to start their family.

They'd lived together for months, so the period of adjustment that so many newlyweds experience had already occurred. In that respect it was as though they were already married, so they were prepared to quickly take the next step, having a child. Jack knew he was still relatively young and in reasonable health, so he had discounted his original feeling that he was too old to start a new family. He felt strong enough to keep up with a child, which he knew from experience was exhausting; an infant needs constant attention, and a toddler has boundless energy. Adolescence brings its own problems that he and Teri had never quite successfully dealt with, but Kim had turned into a loving, mature woman, and a wonderful mother. So maybe he hadn't been such a terrible father. But he was a realist, and he knew that Kim was largely Teri's child, and the wonderful way Kim had turned out was a tribute to Teri. He had been an also-ran as a parent, something he deeply regretted, and he was determined not to let that happen when he and Barbara had kids. This was Barbara's first - and only, he was sure - marriage, and she had never had children, which Jack knew was exceedingly important to her. He realized that without a baby she would always feel that something vital was lacking, no matter how much they loved each other. So he overcame his doubts, and agreed to have a child. Or maybe more than one, he'd told her.

Everyone sat down to dinner in the private room of Jack's favorite restaurant, where Jack, Barbara, Kim and Chase had celebrated the pardon that had been issued by President Prescott. Next to his marriage to Teri and now to Barbara, and Kim's birth, that had been the happiest day of his life, for it had cleared his name, and expunged all criminal charges against him. It had made him feel like a new man, not having the label 'ex-con' always connected to him, and they had celebrated with bottles of imported champagne and a wonderful dinner. Memories of that wonderful night made Jack glad that Barbara had chosen this place for their reception.

As the waiters were serving the food Jack's best friend, his old college roommate Cliff Wexler, stood and proposed a toast. Holding what would be the first of many glasses of champagne, Cliff told a story from their college days, when Jack had a recurring nightmare that he hadn't studied for a final exam in a class he really wasn't taking, and the nightmare made Jack unable to study for the courses in which he really did have tests. He'd insisted that such a vivid dream had to be real, and Cliff had had to take him to the registrar's office to convince him that he wasn't enrolled in the class. He used this as an example of Jack''s stubbornness, and wished Barbara well in dealing with Jack in the future. Everyone laughed, but they knew that Barbara could be as stubborn, 'determined,' she called it, as Jack. Her college roommate, Lainie Berman, told a story about Barbara's 'determination,' showing that she and Jack were well-matched. It will make for some fireworks in their marriage, Lainie predicted, but in her toast she said there was no doubt that they would overcome that obstacle, along with any others that presented themselves.

As more and more champagne was consumed the toasts to the couple got exceedingly raunchy, until the newlyweds, despite their sophistication, were bright red from blushing. No one wanted the party to end, so more champagne was ordered until they were all well-lubricated. Jack, of all people, had the most wits about him, so he called for taxis for everyone. No one was in any condition to drive.

Jack and Barbara were so drunk when they finally got home that they almost passed out before they made love, but they managed to consummate their marriage while they were still conscious. But neither of them could really be sure of it in the morning, so they made love again, just to make sure. It was hardly a sacrifice for either.

They were supposed to fly to Kauai that afternoon, but they had both awakened with monster hangovers, and the thought of getting on a plane was enough to make them sick. Again Jack was best able to function, so he managed to call the airline and reschedule their flight to the following day. After hanging up the phone they both fell into a deep sleep.

When Jack awoke Barbara's side of the bed was empty, so he went searching for her, not even realizing that he was nude. She was on the deck off the kitchen with all the blinds open, and he was visible to anyone outside. Lesley and David were with Barbara on the deck, and they saw him through the screen of the sliding door. Dave whistled and Barbara and Lesley started laughing, and Jack finally realized that he wasn't wearing anything. He hurried back to the bedroom and pulled on jeans and a t-shirt. His blush didn't go away immediately. It stayed with him for a good few minutes, and when he remembered it later in the day he started blushing all over again. He knew that this was something they'd never let him forget. At least I didn't walk around turned on, he comforted himself. They'd have never stopped laughing. The thought of it made him blush all over again.

As Jack re-entered the kitchen he tried to act nonchalant. He poured a cup of coffee and was able to add the proper amounts of milk and sugar. Barefoot, he took the mug out to the deck, where they had left a place for him at the table. Dave and Lesley started to laugh again, and Barbara was trying hard to restrain herself so as not to further embarrass her husband on the first day of their marriage, but it turned out to be a losing battle. She again began laughing so hard that tears rolled down her cheeks. After a minute Jack realized that it really was funny so he too started to laugh, but not with the same merriment as the others.

Barbara finally managed to get control of herself and asked Jack what he wanted for breakfast. His hangover had not fully disappeared but had only receded and he still had a hell of a residual headache, but he realized that he had to eat. He told her he'd take care of it and put a couple of slices of bread in the toaster and poured another cup of coffee, forgetting that he had left one on the deck table. He really wasn't functioning, and he knew it wasn't only because he'd been so drunk. He hadn't completely gotten over his embarrassment and he knew it would continue to preoccupy him until he managed to distract himself and get it out of his head. The thought that the others would never forget it, and would probably bring it up for the rest of his life, didn't help.

He carried his toast and coffee out to the deck and glared at Barbara, Lesley and Dave, silently warning them that he'd had enough laughter at his expense. "Don't! Get over it!" his look said to them. So after some additional smirking and a short laugh from Dave, they resumed their conversation which Jack quickly joined in. They were discussing Hawaii, which Jack's new brother- and sister-in law had recently visited.

"I don't think it was that long a flight," Lesley was saying. "Lainie said it was okay for me to go, as long as I moved around on the plane. She said that as long as I didn't sit the entire time I'd be all right." Lainie was also Lesley's obstetrician.

"There's no reason for you to worry about that," Dave said to Barbara and Jack, "unless there's something you haven't told us." He grinned.

"No, Dave, we're not there yet," Jack responded, feeling better with some food inside him. "We'll tell you when you're going to be an uncle."

"We'd better get going, and leave them alone," Lesley said to her husband. "I think they're chomping at the bit. At least we know Jack is. Weren't you sending Barb a signal when you 'forgot' to get dressed?"

"Very funny," Jack said, remembering his embarrassment, although he knew that they were only teasing him. He had to get used to it. He was sure they'd never stop.

As much as he liked his new in-laws, Jack wasn't sorry to see them go. He did want to be alone with Barbara. Last night and this morning didn't count, he thought. We're going to do this properly, by which he meant they'd both be fully conscious.

Neither of them typically got drunk, although Jack had been known to have one beer too many upon occasion. Barbara usually stuck to wine and the only effect it seemed to have was to make her more amorous. Jack made sure that they always had plenty of wine.

When they were alone they headed to the bedroom. The brilliant sunshine that flooded the room didn't distract them. They had made love in all sorts of places, at all times of day and night, and nothing intruded on their intense feelings for each other. Barbara welcomed him, as always, and as they moved they both felt the tension grow until they exploded together. With their bodies glistening with sweat they held each other and fell asleep.

Jack awoke about six and looked at Barbara still sleeping in his arms. He disengaged himself slowly, so as not to wake her, and headed for the bathroom. He briefly thought of the times he'd awakened with Kate, but his bathroom visits then had been to shoot up. He was clean by the time he met Barbara but she knew all about his addiction. He'd been told by the counselors in prison, after he'd detoxed 'cold turkey,' that he would always be an addict. It was up to him to stay clean, for there would always be a part of him that would want to shoot up again. It was very easy to relapse, they'd told him, and he had to fight it. No one else could do it for him. He'd been surprised by this, and told himself, and them, that that wouldn't be a problem for him. He was cured. But when he'd started to crave the drug again when he was still in prison, where it was available for a price, he realized that he was being incredibly naive. He learned to accept that he would always be an addict, and that he would always have to fight to stay clean. He'd been afraid to tell Barbara this, half-expecting her to judge him and find him lacking, as so many others, and he himself, did. But when he told her about the challenge that would always face him she accepted it, telling him that it was something they would confront together. He now knew that he would always be able to draw upon her strength, for he was confident that she loved him unconditionally, and that meant everything to him. He knew that she would always be there, no matter what, and it gave him courage, not the kind he'd needed on his missions certainly, but an even more important bravery, that enabled him to face life with eagerness rather than dread. He was no longer alone.


	5. Commitment Finale

Chapter 5

They both dozed on the flight to Kauai and roused only when the pilot told everyone to prepare for landing. Jack drove the rental car as Barbara read the map, and with only one false turn they made it to the hotel. It was late afternoon and the sun had not yet begun to set, but the growing shadows gave everything a special color, even more beautiful than it was in full daylight.

They hadn't stayed at this hotel on their previous trip to the island, but they'd once gone there for dinner. The separate cottages that made up the place appealed to their desire for privacy, although they fleetingly brought an unbidden memory to Jack. He banished it as quickly as it came. That part of his life was over, forever. He had relegated it to a corner of his mind although he never wanted to fully let it go. His first love would always be with him, and that brought him some sort of comfort. But as his father had predicted he'd found love again, with Teri, and now with Barbara. He'd been ready, finally, to move on.

As their luggage was carried in they were pleased to see that their bungalow was directly on the beach. There was the bedroom, of course, a luxurious bath with a whirlpool that they knew they'd enjoy together, and a sitting room, all done in colors that matched the sand and sea just outside. They could sleep with the blinds partly open so that the dawn light would reflect from the sand. Even with the sliding doors closed they could hear the surf, with the constant rhythmic pattern of the waves as they broke on the shore. It was a relaxing sound for both of them and mirrored their feelings. Neither of them could recall ever feeling so content.

Without even unpacking they took a walk along the shoreline, enjoying the feel of the sand beneath their bare feet. They had chosen the perfect place for their honeymoon, they thought. This would be perfect for both of them.

They slept late the next morning. When room service brought their breakfast they ate on the cabin's lanai, right next to the ocean. When they finished they put on their suits and went out to the beach. Barbara loved to lie in the sun, and with her olive skin she rarely got sunburned, although Jack was pleased to rub the sunscreen all over her body. She happily reciprocated, and they just lay on their respective lounges, holding hands, until Barbara suggested another walk on the beach. They went about a half mile up the coast and then back down, content to walk in silence, still holding hands. It was the best either of them had ever felt.

When they returned to their bungalow they languidly made love, enjoying the absolute pleasure they gave each other. They were nestled in each other's arms as they feel asleep, and didn't wake up until after seven. They showered together and dressed for dinner.

As they walked into the hotel's elegant restaurant they could see the other diners looking at them. They had both become well-known and were frequently recognized, and while it was something each would have preferred didn't happen they ignored the chatter that followed them as they were shown to their table on the lanai. They felt that they were the only people on the planet, and nothing was going to interfere with their delight in being together in such a beautiful place. They had drinks in the reflection of the moonlight on the water, with the crashing of the surf providing a backdrop to their murmured conversation. The glances of the other diners went unnoticed.

After dinner they took another walk on the shoreline. The sky was brilliantly clear and the moon looked like it had been placed there just for them. They walked leisurely, eventually going knee-deep in the surf and started splashing each other. When they were both soaked they returned to the cabin, where they enjoyed taking each other's wet clothes off. The inevitable followed.

Barbara had obtained her beginner's certification in scuba diving on their first trip to Kauai. Jack, who was a certified master diver from his Delta Force training hadn't wanted to teach her, for he knew that it would only cause tension. He wasn't a patient instructor, and he didn't think she'd be a good student if he was the one giving her lessons. It was like teaching a family member to drive: not a good idea. He'd arranged for another instructor while he did a re-check dive. Jack had too much respect for the ocean to take anything for granted, and he knew that even a master diver like he could forget things, especially since he hadn't gone diving in several years. He did everything right on his dive, of course, and joined a group that was going to explore a wreck, while Barbara took additional lessons to get her advanced certification.

They joined up a few hours later, both of them exhilarated but exhausted from their dives. When they finished their shower together they fell asleep and didn't awaken until just before sunset. They decided to take another walk along the beach, and with Jack's arm around her shoulders and Barbara's around his waist they watched the sun slip down into the ocean beyond. The moon hadn't yet risen so it was almost dark as they returned to their cabin. It had been a fantastic day, and they knew it would be followed by a fantastic night.

They drove to a different restaurant that evening at a hotel down the beach. They were again recognized, but they still only had eyes for each other. Jack looked at how beautiful his new wife was in a white sun dress that showed off her deepening tan, and realized again how lucky he was to get a second, no, a third chance at happiness. Barbara's thoughts mirrored Jack's. They belonged together, she was sure. Everything was perfect, and they knew that their life together would be, too, no matter the adversities they were sure to face. They were having the best time of their lives.

The earth moved beneath them so much that night that they joked that it had actually been an erupting volcano. They were perfectly matched, including their passion for each other, and that never seemed to wane. They both wanted more, and tried to provide it to each other whenever possible.

After Barbara got her advanced certification they went for her first dive to explore a wreck. Jack watched her carefully as she did her first deep dive, although he had confidence in her instructor, who remained on the boat. She really enjoyed scuba, and was delighted that she could join Jack in one of his favorite sports. He, of course, was pleased to see how well she had mastered it, not at his level, certainly, but with the advanced certification she'd obtained they could do all recreational dives together.

After twenty minutes at the wreck they ascended slowly as they'd both been taught, to minimize the possibility of 'the bends,' which was a possibly fatal condition brought on by surfacing too quickly. There had been a man in Jack's Delta unit who had disregarded his lessons and gone up too fast, and he'd only been saved by a long time in a decompression chamber. He'd been dropped from Delta immediately, for only soldiers who followed orders could be safely entrusted with other's lives. Each man in Delta knew of his responsibility for the lives of his teammates, and a man who couldn't follow instructions was a threat to all of them. It was a lesson that all of the trainees took to heart. Although they'd been screened carefully before being selected to join the elite unit sometimes a mistake was made, and the training was meant to weed out the 'bad apples' almost as much as it was designed to provide the soldiers with the skills they'd need to survive and accomplish their missions. Jack, of course, had finished at the top of his class. He'd once been described as a 'natural born' killer, a thought that made him sick, yet he knew that his skills had stood him in good stead. Still, he needed to believe that it wasn't true, and he counterbalanced that idea with his gentleness, especially with Barbara. That was the part of him that he wanted to believe in.

After returning to their bungalow they showered, again together, and prepared for dinner. They went to a new Continental restaurant where they knew they'd again be scrutinized, but it was becoming a regular occurrence and they were learning not to care. The only foreign language Barbara spoke was Spanish, so it was up to Jack, who was pretty good at speaking French, to order. He only made one mistake, which they realized when they were served an entree of suckling pig, complete with its head. They laughed uproariously together, but gamely ate the meat, which they acknowledged was really good. Barbara had found the animal's stare disconcerting, to say the least, so the waiter had good-naturedly, humorously, really, removed the platter and returned with separate plates of the roast pork.

They decided they'd return to the restaurant before they went home, to try the duckling Jack had thought he ordered. Barbara gently teased Jack about his foreign language skills as they drove back to the hotel, and Jack enjoyed it. One of the things that made them so good together was their ability to laugh at the same things, even if it was about something one or the other did. Jack loved to tease her about going for her weekly manicure, although Barbara kept telling him that she enjoyed the half-hour she kept exclusively for herself. Jack didn't begrudge her the time alone; he just thought that how her nails looked was the least important thing about her, but her determination to always have her nails look good was a part of her entire appearance, in which he knew Barbara took pride, and Jack thoroughly enjoyed. She's like other women in that regard, thought Jack, although he knew she was not like other women in almost every other respect. I guess she can't be unique in every way, he mused, although she comes damn close. Although Jack thought Barbara was nearly perfect, he recognized that she didn't belong on a pedestal, and would fight any attempt by him to worship her. She needed his love, but it had to be with cognizance of everything that made her the person she was, including her occasional foibles. She in turn admired Jack's determination in overcoming all of the obstacles he had faced, which she knew made him the man he was.

Jack's kind, gentle nature, which she knew few others had ever seen, was in such sharp contrast to all of the terrible things he'd told her about his past that she recognized the strength of his character. She was a Type-A person, which all successful trial lawyers had to be. Obviously Jack had the same strong personality and drive, or the things he had confronted would have destroyed him long ago. Usually two such people together, although attracted by the commonality of their personalities, created what ultimately was unbearable tension in their relationship. Barbara had seen such calamities confront so many of her colleagues who had married others with similar strengths, and their marriages had ended in divorce, but somehow she knew that the same thing wouldn't happen to her and Jack. They both knew what they had gotten themselves into, for want of a better description, and their love and commitment to each other would enable them to respect their differences as well as their similarities. They weren't being naive; this was not the first serious relationship for either of them, although Barbara had never married before. She had been in what she'd thought would be a life-long commitment to a man also in her profession and had expected to marry him, but he had been unable to be monogamous. Barbara was not one to go into denial. She had realistically acknowledged the situation as soon as she learned of it, and had immediately end their relationship. She was glad she found out before they married. She knew that Jack's experience with Nina meant that he would never again be unfaithful to his wife; she knew the guilt that he'd felt, how he believed it had contributed to Teri's death. One of the things he regretted most in his life was what he admitted to himself was his betrayal of Teri, and he'd never forgive himself for that, no matter how hard he tried, no matter how successful he was in burying the demons that made up so much of his past.

They spent most of their time on the beach and going on a few more wreck dives, and they tried a different restaurant each night, with the exception of returning to the site of the suckling pig debacle. They still joked about it, but they were pleased that the roast duckling they had on their second night there was even more of a gastronomic success than the pork had turned out to be. They had the same waiter as before where they sat on the lanai of the restaurant, and he remembered the look on their faces when he'd brought the pig, complete with head, to their table. He had been amused by Jack's attempt to order in French, and he had wondered whether suckling pig was really what Jack meant, but he had brought it nevertheless. He'd known that they would enjoy it, although he hadn't been at all surprised by Barbara's reaction to the pig's head's stare. He'd seen it before, and being the Frenchman that he was, he wasn't particularly disturbed by seeing the Americans discomfited.

After Jack paid the check they took a walk along the beach next to the restaurant, their shoes in hand, and kissed passionately. Although the moon was mostly obscured by clouds there was enough starlight for them to watch each other, feeling enveloped by love.

Secure in their feelings they returned to their bungalow, where they felt the same volcanic eruption. No matter what fireworks their strong personalities generated, they were ready for the future they would share, together.


End file.
